Flying Monkeys: How Narcissists Use Other People to Control You

Flying Monkeys: What They Are and How Narcissists Use Them

You went no contact with a narcissist. You thought the hardest part was over. Then your aunt calls to say she’s worried about you. Your coworker mentions that your ex seemed really broken up at the party last weekend. Your sibling texts you a long paragraph about how families should stick together no matter what. None of these people are the narcissist. But every single one of them is doing the narcissist’s work.

These people are called flying monkeys. The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends her flying monkeys to do her dirty work instead of confronting Dorothy herself. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are the people a narcissist recruits, manipulates, or weaponizes to maintain control over a target they can no longer reach directly.

Flying monkeys narcissist tactics are one of the most exhausting parts of leaving an abusive dynamic. You’re not just dealing with one person anymore. You’re dealing with an entire network of people who have been fed a version of events designed to make you look unstable, ungrateful, or cruel. The narcissist doesn’t need to confront you when they have other people doing it for them.

This is a specific form of triangulation: using third parties to exert pressure on someone without taking direct responsibility. But while triangulation can involve just one person, flying monkey dynamics often involve multiple people, sometimes entire friend groups or family systems, all pushing the same narrative.

Types of Flying Monkeys

Not all flying monkeys operate the same way. Understanding the different types helps you respond appropriately to each.

The well-meaning relative. This person genuinely believes they are helping. They think reconciliation is always the right answer and that family should come first. The narcissist has told them just enough to trigger their peacemaker instincts. They say things like, “Life is short” and “Can’t you just try to work it out?” They are not malicious. They are misinformed. But their pressure is still harmful.

The gossip. This person doesn’t approach you directly. Instead, they collect information about your life and report it back to the narcissist. They ask seemingly casual questions about where you’ve been, who you’re seeing, how you’re doing. Then everything you said shows up in the narcissist’s next move against you. The gossip might not even realize they’re being used as a surveillance tool.

The guilt-tripper. This person’s job is to make you feel terrible for setting a boundary. They tell you how sad the narcissist is. They remind you of everything the narcissist did for you. They frame your boundary as abandonment. “Your mother cries herself to sleep every night.” “He’s never been the same since you left.” The guilt-tripper weaponizes your empathy against you.

The spy. Similar to the gossip, but more deliberate. The spy actively seeks information on behalf of the narcissist. They might show up at your workplace, monitor your social media, or ask mutual friends about you. They feed everything back to the narcissist so the narcissist can plan their next hoovering attempt with precision.

The aggressive enforcer. This is the flying monkey who comes at you with open hostility. They’ve been told you did something unforgivable, and they believe it. They send angry messages, make threats, or publicly shame you. They are the narcissist’s attack dog, doing the confrontation the narcissist is too calculated to do themselves.

Why Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys

A narcissist doesn’t recruit flying monkeys randomly. This is a deliberate strategy, even if it isn’t always consciously planned. Here’s what it accomplishes.

It avoids direct confrontation. If the narcissist contacts you directly, you can block them, document it, or ignore them. But when the pressure comes from five different people who technically haven’t done anything wrong by “expressing concern,” it’s much harder to shut down. The narcissist keeps their hands clean.

It maintains control from a distance. Going no contact removes the narcissist’s direct access to you. Flying monkeys restore it. Through them, the narcissist can still send messages, track your behavior, and influence your emotions without ever picking up the phone themselves. This is why flying monkeys often appear right after going no contact: they are the narcissist’s workaround.

It isolates the target. When multiple people in your life all seem to agree that you’re the problem, it becomes incredibly hard to trust yourself. That’s the point. The narcissist wants you to feel alone, outnumbered, and uncertain. If enough people tell you that you’re overreacting, eventually you might start to believe it.

It creates plausible deniability. The narcissist can honestly say, “I never contacted you.” They didn’t need to. They told your mother how heartbroken they were, and your mother did the rest. If you confront the narcissist about the flying monkey pressure, they can claim innocence. They didn’t make anyone call you. People are just concerned.

It outnumbers you. One person saying “you’re wrong” is manageable. Five people saying it starts to feel like proof. Narcissists understand this instinctively. Volume creates the appearance of consensus, and consensus is hard to argue with, even when it’s manufactured.

How to Recognize Flying Monkeys

Sometimes it’s obvious that someone is acting as a flying monkey. Other times it’s subtle enough that you question whether you’re being paranoid. Here are five signs.

They relay messages you did not ask for. “Your dad wanted me to tell you…” “She asked me to give you this…” If someone is delivering communications from a person you’ve deliberately cut off, they are functioning as a flying monkey. It doesn’t matter how innocent the message sounds.

They pressure you to reconcile. “Don’t you think enough time has passed?” “They’re family. You can’t just cut them off forever.” “I think you should give them another chance.” These are not neutral observations. These are agenda-driven statements, and the agenda is the narcissist’s.

They report back to the narcissist. After talking to a suspected flying monkey, does the narcissist suddenly seem to know things you only told that person? Does the narcissist reference information they shouldn’t have? If yes, the person is relaying your conversations.

They minimize your experience. “It wasn’t that bad.” “Every family has problems.” “You’re too sensitive.” This is gaslighting by proxy. The flying monkey may not intend to invalidate your reality, but that’s the effect. They’ve been given the narcissist’s sanitized version of events, and they’re using it to make you question your own.

They frame the narcissist as the victim. “You should see how much this has affected them.” “They’re just devastated.” “I’ve never seen someone so hurt.” If the conversation always circles back to the narcissist’s pain rather than acknowledging yours, you’re talking to a flying monkey. The narcissist has flipped the script, and this person bought it.

How to Deal with Flying Monkeys

Once you recognize what’s happening, you have options. How you respond depends on who the flying monkey is, whether they’re reachable, and how much energy you have.

Put them on an information diet. Stop sharing personal details with anyone who might relay them. This isn’t about lying or being secretive. It’s about recognizing that information is currency in a narcissistic dynamic, and you need to stop handing it out. Keep conversations surface-level. Talk about the weather, the news, anything that can’t be weaponized.

Set a direct boundary. When a flying monkey brings up the narcissist, name what’s happening clearly: “I’m not going to discuss my relationship with [person] through you. If they have something to say to me, they can say it directly.” Say it once. You don’t need to justify, defend, or explain. If they push back, the conversation is over.

Assess whether they are reachable. Some flying monkeys genuinely don’t know they’re being used. If you have a strong, independent relationship with this person outside of the narcissist’s influence, it might be worth one honest conversation: “I want you to know that the version of events you’ve been told is not accurate. I’m happy to answer questions, but I will not be pressured into reconciliation.” Some people hear this and reconsider. Others double down. You’ll know quickly which category they fall into.

Limit or end contact if needed. If a flying monkey repeatedly violates your boundary after you’ve stated it, they’ve made their choice. This is especially painful when the flying monkey is a sibling or close friend. But a person who consistently prioritizes the narcissist’s access to you over your stated needs is not a safe person in your life right now, regardless of who they are.

Document patterns. If flying monkey behavior escalates to harassment, stalking, or threats, keep records. Screenshots, saved voicemails, written logs with dates. You may never need them. But if you do need them, you’ll be glad you have them.

The hardest part of dealing with narcissist flying monkeys isn’t any single conversation. It’s the cumulative weight of realizing how many people have been recruited into the narcissist’s version of reality. It can feel like losing your entire community. But what you’re actually losing is a network that was already compromised. The people who respect your boundaries without needing to be convinced are the ones worth keeping.

If you’re unsure whether your relationship dynamics involve manipulation tactics, the toxic relationship quiz can help you identify specific patterns.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do flying monkeys know they are being used?

Usually not. Most flying monkeys believe they are helping, mediating, or keeping the peace. The narcissist has told them a version of events that makes you the villain and them the concerned friend or family member. They are acting on incomplete or distorted information. That does not make their behavior acceptable, but it does mean some flying monkeys can be reached with the truth. Others cannot.

How do you deal with flying monkeys from family?

Set a clear boundary: “I am not discussing my relationship with [narcissist] through you. If they have something to say to me, they can say it directly.” Then enforce it. If the family member continues to relay messages or pressure you, limit your contact with them too. You do not owe anyone access to your life just because they share your last name.

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This article is for educational purposes and does not replace professional mental health support. If you are experiencing abuse or need help navigating a toxic relationship, please reach out to a licensed therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery.